having a moment.....

I originally was getting on here to give an update on me and the baby.
  vaccuuming and thinking about all of the wonderful and beautiful things that God has blessed us with. The miraculous new life that has been growing in me.The thought of a soul coming straight from heaven, so pure, and in MY body...crazy and overwhelming thought.
 while i was making a mental note of all i wanted to write,i started to think....maybe not now.

maybe later today i will write about "us"- but not right now.

it was only a little over a week that i got news that one of my favorite relatives had cancer - part of it misdiagnosed as something else and something the all knowing doctor should have been keeping tabs on.

sometimes i have such a hard time being in the medical profession and knowing the all too "raw" truth of it all. Doctors that i have met while working at the crappiest places, nursing homes and doctors i have met at the best of places, world renowned hospitals, dropping the ball.

 i have seen misdiagnosis and neglegance right in front of my own eyes from doctors but that is when i am the most relieved (if there is such a thing) because i have a chance of calling it to the attention of a higher up and to be the squeaky wheel so that i can rest my head at night with a guilt free conscience and one day stand before my Lord and say "i tried"

its hard just sitting back. its hard seeing that stuff happen to a no-name patient let alone family. i take it personal in both instances. i imagine writing both doctors and saying your only job is to look watch the lungs and im sorry but your fired....or excuse me dumb ass, part of your job is keeping tabs on someone with the certain processes that they have had all their life and educating yourself on what to keep tabs on-unfortunately you must relinquish your license and paycheck from the past 20 years that this person has been under your care and we will refund that money back to him to help pay for the costs that have now accrued.
i take it personal bc i take my job very serious and i do the best of my ability
i take it personal bc there are i dont give a shit people out there and that *SURPRISE* includes doctors, nurses, respiratory therapists, etc
yeah, its easy to point fingers. and yeah its easy to say shoulda woulda coulda.
now you say, "hey chris maybe they did do it to the best of their ability" my answer to that is, one can always point out the slackers in their OWN area of work so to that rebuttal i turn a deaf ear.
 heres how i like to put it:  if youre a mechanic and mess up, its just a car that dies. when you are in the medical profession and you mess up or negligent or "lax" on the care you give... then things are missed and  people can die. but dont worry. it wont affect you (the staff). you will get to go home at night, hug your spouse, eat a great dinner and go to the park with your kids on the weekend with not another thought of work, and yes you still get your paycheck.
so right now i am just having a rough moment.
im angry and very sad.