stingy midwife

so im starting to show....bah....who am i kidding- my fat ass was showing at 2 months pregnant lol i think the picture of me at 3 months was not REALLY baby though....i have deceived you all and i think it was really just distended bowel. poop if you will, that was just chillin with no where to go bc of my stalled gut. thanks baby!!

but i can finally feel the uterus and above it i feel a hard patch of something-ness to my right-- below my cavernous belly button.  marco says its the ligaments that are holding up my hammock uterus. must be comfy in there for exxon. sometimes i wish i could crawl up there to nap....ew...that grossed me out...the only way up there would be (barf)----stop the thinking train nastah ka-nastah!!! why does my brain do that?! i think its my dads fault. he is a fart and poop kinda man and being raised by him has tainted me. lol. i loove it!

so the nausea is gone. now the headaches are here. theyre bad ones too that seem like the migraines i got in college. they start after i eat and radiate from my neck to my temples. it almost feels like my head is filling with more air than it already has, i wish i had a pressure guage. then i could say "marco! you clean up dinner-dont you see my guage is already at 49%??? shes gonna blow- and while your at it go ahead and wash my brown stained granny panties"   lol...see....i cant help it.
 but the midwife says the headaches are normal due to hormones or dehydration. im buying the dehydration. sounds like a blood pressure issue. i eat,blood goes to gut,no more blood to brain, headache. so every hour i try to do 8 gulps of water, and yes i count them.... seven is too little-desert land for baby, and nine is too much-baby in a vicious storm at sea.
since i drink my eight gulps i still get headaches but they dont last and they are not as intense and  i have since permanently sutured a toilet to my ass.
speaking of midwife (and let me clarify that this is all from the midwife that is not my USUAL midwife. she was a fill in) she said she wouldnt do an ultrasound before my trip to ohio for pics to show the family bc i will only be 18 weeks and  "this isnt a photo studio" --ok. then i will outsmart you at your game.
 i have found an ultrasound joint that does them for pennies on the dollar in the back alley of minneapolis that is run by women with weaves who smoke funny cigars.
 BAHAHAHA midwife and your stingy ways! exxon and i will defeat and conquer and perhaps make you cry! cuz thats how we roll bitches


.



.